How Narcissist Love You and Hate You

by | Oct 7, 2023

Narcissists can display a pattern of behavior in which they initially seem to love or idealize someone and then later exhibit hatred or devaluation towards that person. This behavior is often associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and is part of the narcissistic cycle, which typically follows these stages:

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  1. Idealization: At the beginning of a relationship or during the initial stages, a narcissist may idealize their partner. They might shower them with affection, compliments, and attention. This phase can make the partner feel special and loved.
  2. Devaluation: Over time, the narcissist’s perception of their partner begins to change. They may become critical, dismissive, and emotionally distant. The narcissist might start to devalue and belittle their partner, making them feel unworthy and unloved.

Several factors can contribute to this shift from love to hate in a narcissistic relationship:

  1. Insecurity: Narcissists often have deep-seated insecurities, and they may use idealization to boost their self-esteem. However, as time passes and their partner cannot maintain the unrealistic image they’ve created, the narcissist’s insecurities resurface, leading to devaluation.
  2. Need for Control: Narcissists have a strong need for control and dominance in relationships. When they feel their control slipping or their partner asserting independence, they may respond with anger and devaluation.
  3. Lack of Empathy: Narcissists often lack empathy and struggle to understand or care about their partner’s feelings. This lack of empathy makes it easier for them to devalue and mistreat their partner without remorse.
  4. Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation: The idealization-devaluation cycle can become a recurring pattern in a narcissistic relationship. The partner may experience moments of intense love and affection followed by periods of disdain and cruelty.
  5. Projection: Narcissists may project their own negative qualities onto their partner, seeing flaws and faults that are actually reflections of their own insecurities and shortcomings.

It’s important to note that not all narcissists follow this pattern exactly, and the severity of these behaviors can vary greatly among individuals with NPD. Relationships with narcissists can be emotionally draining and harmful to one’s self-esteem. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and it is causing you distress, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate the challenges and explore your options for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship or life apart from the narcissist.





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