Your brain is your most important sex organ. When you think about what you desire and try to understand what your partner desires, you can increase satisfaction with your relationship both in and out of bed. But you have to talk about it, and that is the difficult thing for most people.
Part of the problem is just life. You get busy. You barely have time to talk about logistics with your partner, let alone sex. Especially during the pandemic, you have so many concerns—personal, financial and health. If this lack of intimacy continues over time, you can drift farther and farther apart, emotionally and sexually. But if you make an effort to include intimate connections into your life on a regular basis, you’ll add a richness to your relationship. The more you connect, the easier it gets.
How do you achieve intimacy and how do you maintain it?
- Make a commitment. When you say it out loud to each other—and articulate a goal—you are more apt to follow through. When you’re devoted to keeping up with your conversation about sex and other intimate topics, you maintain a connection that enhances your relationship. You can even set a regular time for your conversations—perhaps a date night once a week.
- Make talking about sex part of foreplay. Start early. Send a text. Mention how you’re looking forward to having loving sex. Tell your partner how you love feeling close to him physically. Make love to your partner with words to heighten the anticipation and get into the mood. By the time you actually do have sex, you’ll be at your most receptive and so will he.
- Use more than words to communicate. Words are great, but some people find their language of love is more expressive in touch. It doesn’t have to be the actual sexual act—it can be a hug. It can be a walk in the woods holding hands. It can be a shoulder rub. Or just a tender touch as you pass in the hall. The more you connect physically, the closer you feel. And the better sex is when you do have it.
- Express your vulnerability. If you open up to your partner, he’ll be more likely to open up to you. But don’t keep score and expect an equal exchange because that ruins it. Just be honest and open about your feelings. If your partner isn’t forthcoming, you could say something like, “I feel left out when you don’t tell me your intimate feelings. I want to you know what you’re thinking because I care about you.”
- Tell your partner what you want. You’re not a mind-reader and neither is he. Even if it’s difficult to express your sexual desires, make an effort. Think about what you might say before you say it. Go over it in your mind. You might say something like, “It helps me when we have more foreplay because if gives me time to get warmed-up and heightens my arousal.” Initially, talking about sex might be difficult but it gets easier the more you do it.
- Listen to what your partner wants. When you talk about what you desire, that alone may be enough to get your partner to express his desires. Encourage him to tell you what he needs. You might say something like, “I’d like to please you in bed, and I can do that best when I know specifically what you need me to do.”
The more your talk about intimacy and the more you practice sensuality, the closer you become.
Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: https://nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact
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