Why delay sex in the dating game? And how long?

Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man—and the movie it spawned, Think Like a Man—have gone viral, prompting much discussion around water coolers, Starbucks gatherings, and date dinners across the country. Harvey’s main point? Wait 90 days before sleeping with your new significant other and earn the respect you deserve.

On a quick read, this prescription, like many popular self-help concepts, has some wisdom to it. Waiting 90 is a heck of a lot healthier way to start a relationship than jumping into bed on the first date, which can be disappointing, painful, uncomfortable—you get the picture. But before you go out and implement the 90 Day Rule as-is and without thought, let’s dig a little deeper into it with some suggestions for the initial dating period.

• Build a foundation. Like the foundation you developed as a child—or built for yourself later in life through friends, life experience, and therapy—new relationships need strong foundations. That’s what dating is: building a base for a possible future together. Sure, you can also date for fun, friendship—or out of loneliness or boredom—nothing wrong with that. But that’s the thing about waiting. It works for all scenarios.
• Workshop it. What do you learn during the waiting period? While the learning never ends in a relationship, this is the time to get a reliable read on the things that matter. Is he solid in character or a big act to get you under the covers? Does she touch your soul in the right places, or are your commonalities superficial, leaving you, in a year or two, with some deep yearning for a kind of intimacy or connection that just isn’t there? Take whatever time you need to learn if your match is made in heaven or you’re taking a short road to perdition. Evaluate your new relationship, based on how you get along moment-to-moment, how much fun it is, how enlivening and growth-promoting it is, how you work through disagreements, how you handle negative emotions—and on whether or not the right physical chemistry is there. You can tell a lot about that before you ever get to bed!
• Avoid the expectations game. Often jumping into bed happens because it’s expected, especially by men, but often by women also. News flash! If you have ever felt secretly uncomfortable hopping into bed on the first, second, or third date, you are not the only one. And again, I’m talking about both men and women. We all need a sense of comfort and familiarity, a sense the other person knows and cares enough to accept—heaven forbid!—an imperfect body, some first-inning nerves, a lack of experience or confidence. Putting the cart behind the horse where it belongs—the sex after the trust and caring—creates a comfort level that can make sex freer, more open, more sensual, more fun, and more pleasurable. What’s not to like there?
• Re-prime your hormones. We live in a world where everything starts earlier and earlier—school, socialization, sports, and, unfortunately, sex—as parents and society set unrealistic expectations for child development. Kids are having sexual experiences at incredibly young ages. By the time some people get to the serious dating age—the time when you are looking to settle down—many people are jaded, having had too many sexual experiences, often meaningless and unsatisfying. Use the initial dating period to rebuild your appreciation for sex and link it solidly to true intimacy and commitment to a person. If you do that successfully, you could be in for the best sex you’ve ever had.
• Plan activities that stretch the relationship. Don’t just go out to dinner and the movies every week. Take him out hiking or jogging, see how he reacts to physical stress. Take her home to the parents, see how she fits in with your peculiar family (aren’t they all?). As Harvey suggests, play games—indoor or outdoor—and find out what happens when the competitive gene kicks in. Introduce him to your important friends and vice versa. Not liking any of his or her friends? (Hint: BIG red flag!)
• Tailor the wait to the people. The waiting period doesn’t need to be the same for all individuals—or for that matter, for both people in a relationship. The right time for physical intimacy is when you are both intimate in spirit—not when the calendar turns over to a certain day. That means when the willingness to commit and care is clear, when no red flags are waving, when it feels truly right and good to do it. So what’s a good guideline? 90 days? 60 days? I say 90 days can be unrealistic in today’s world. I’m not saying everything should move real fast, just that a lot happens these days in two months and you can find out a lot. But let this be a minimum, keeping in mind that mutual comfort and commitment are the keys.

Harvey’s book makes a lot of sense, and gets our society moving in the right direction. I have to commend him for that. But speaking as a specialist in relationship counseling in Orange County, you have to think through the purpose of a waiting period carefully. The suggestions and guidelines here give you some of the tools you’ll need to make a great decision. After all, this will be your life together. Shouldn’t you begin it with your goals? Your strategy? Your plan? Your time?

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional.  If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

There is no shame in having communication and relationship problems, and one of the fastest ways to work through them is to try some couples therapy in Orange County. Anything that can positively affect you and the people around you will help you live a more fulfilling life.

It’s against human nature to want to argue about things. We tend to shy away from such discussions in order to keep peace, and some people go farther than others when it comes to avoiding conflict. Even though we are often reminded about how being loud and accusatory can hurt a relationship within just a single conversations, the pitfalls from staying completely quiet and not sticking up for yourself can be just as harsh and in some ways even worse. The truth is that the opposite is true – engaging in good, healthy discussions can nurture a relationship, even when those discussions aren’t always pleasant.

“Ducking” can happen to anyone, as both sexes have been known to duck, so don’t think just because of your gender you’re immune. Basically, avoiding conflict is incredibly simple: it just involves refusing to talk about a problem or an issue between you and a friend, spouse, or just another person. It may even include complaining to friends about the issue, or becoming passive-aggressive with a partner without actually talking about the issue itself. When the issue does come up in active conversation, jokes are sometimes made, or the ducker may act like everything is fine to placate the other person. If those don’t work, there is always another tactic in the bag of tricks that may work to shut down the conversation (such as getting angry) that the avoider may try – and sometimes, they don’t even know what they’re actually doing to themselves and their partner.

Regardless of why a person is avoiding conflict, there is never a good reason to do so – leaving an issue to grow and consume a person can only result in harsher and more bitter feelings towards another person when they didn’t even know the other person had no idea they were there.

So why shouldn’t you avoid conflict? Here’s a couple of pretty good reasons you should take a step back and consider talking to an Orange County therapist today.

You’re volatile in your emotions.  This usually means your emotions are control of you instead of the other way around, and situations build up to become something horrendous for us. Our emotions have to manifest themselves in some manner, and usually when we hold them all in or try to “let everything go” without discussing it, they show themselves in the form of depression and low self-esteem. The other option is an incredibly delicate anger button, and everything irritates us or stomps on our tempers and makes us feel hot headed. This means you’ll never get to feel like “you”.

Solving problems is almost impossible. We all want to work through our issues. It helps us grow and become better versions of ourselves. So what happens when you act like those problems don’t exist? Nothing, and that’s not healthy for anyone involved. Just because you don’t talk about an issue means that all of your issues go away – and usually another issue is created in the meantime which makes you angry and bitter. It never ends well.

You allow others to think their behavior is okay. If a person does something that makes you upset – say, they refuse to give up smoking when you have children around – when you don’t approach the issue, you’re allowing them to continue their dangerous behavior. Even if you do bring it up, they learn that all they have to do is put up a stink or talk to you in a certain way and they get their way – even when they aren’t bad people. Letting them form this habit is bad for both parties involved.

Your kids use your behavior as an example. Our children will either learn to do exactly what we do or exactly the opposite, neither of which can truly foster a good relationship with a spouse or friend. It may even teach your kids that the way to get what they want is to treat someone the way you are treated – and they may begin to bully other kids or significant others. Continuing the toxicity from generation to generation will not help anyone in any way.

Throwing yourself under the bus every single day can be compared to avoiding conflict. Learning the costs of avoiding conflict – and the benefits of not doing so – can be vital in making you a more confident and reasonable person. You deserve the best from yourself and from those around you, so do yourself a favor and act like you do.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional.  If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch.  You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

If you are having trouble dealing with the negative feelings associated with leaving a spouse because of a verbally abusive relationship, Orange County marriage counseling can help you sort those out and find yourself again.

Verbal abuse is one of the hardest kinds of abuse to recognize. Everyone gets loud sometimes, yells sometimes, says things they shouldn’t say to people that they love – that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s verbal abuse, and many problems that involve elevated yelling or angry comments can be resolved.

Verbal abuse really happens when one person in the relationship digs into the skin of the other with words over and over again, and much of the time, it’s manipulative, cruel, and subtle. This kind of abuse often leaves mental scars that run deep and can affect a person the rest of their lives. Sometimes, this involves elevated voices and pure anger, but much of the time is is much more quiet – and sometimes unrecognizable from the outside.

Recognizing when your significant other is being abusive with words is incredibly important, and there are some signs that it may be time to consider another option for yourself.

Recognize when it may be becoming a problem. Checking in on your spouse from time to time is not a big deal; we all want to know where our loved ones are. However, this can, over time especially, become almost an obsession. Many times, it manifests itself with the constant need to be in contact – maybe they call you a lot, text you a lot, ask you where you are a lot, and maybe it doesn’t end there – maybe they accuse you of lying to them when you tell them you’re with your sister, or they say that you need to come home because a few hours out is enough. Then it may progress to encouraging you to stay home and in extreme cases, forcing you to do so.

When you refuse to stay, it can result in not only verbal abuse, but physical abuse, too. This kind of controlling behavior is often a very strong sign of disrespect and a lack of quality in a relationship.

Rebuild your confidence and realize that your spouse’s behavior is absolutely not okay. One of the hardest steps to start off is knowing when it’s time to go. It is likely that the abuse has been going on so long that you may not even know how to defend yourself against it anymore – psychological scarring can make you feel that you are worth less than the carpet you walk on, and it can make it feel useless to fight anymore. But that’s simply not true, and recognizing that it’s not okay to treat you like you’re nothing is a leap in the right direction.

Start with figuring out how, in an ideal world, you would like to be treated. Do you like to be hugged, and kissed, and not because someone is trying to desperately apologize for something they do at least once a week? Do you enjoy kind words and thoughts, and gentleness of words that isn’t smothered in guilt and an apologetic nature? Figure out exactly what kind of person you would like to be with in a relationship, and then imagine how you would be in that relationship. Is that how you are now – are you someone you like? Mental abuse has a habit of making you feel week, but recognizing when it’s time to go can give some of that power to you and make you realize just how bad it is, and how little respect you do get. Focus on it.

Then, seek counsel and affirmation. If it’s easier, start with a friend or a family member. Explain how your spouse treats you, and how it makes you feel. See how they react and if they see the abuse in it, too. Often this can help feed the self-esteem we have been missing, and it brings support into your life, too, because often the people who love us are the people who will try to keep us safe when things start to go bad. Knowing you have somewhere to go once you do decide to leave is an important step in actually leaving, because it can make you feel like safety is near, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

If you don’t have any friends and family you feel like you can confide in, you can join a support group for people who may have similar problems to you. This doesn’t even have to be in person, either, because the Internet is becoming more popular for communications with support groups. Sometimes, it’s easier to admit that not only do you suffer from mental abuse, but you are not alone and don’t have to suffer anymore. A professional counselor may also be able to help with helping you build the confidence to step out of the relationship.

Ultimately, when a situation cannot be resolved, consider leaving. No matter how you choose to leave, it will not be easy. Often people have to leave a life they have known a very long time, and a home they have built for themselves as well. Find strength in the people you found for yourself when you sought support, and build thought upon thought of how worthy you actually are. If your ex-spouse ever calls or visits, don’t talk to the person – keep focusing on you and your importance and eventually, you will find the freedom from the feelings that mental abuse took away from you.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

Here are some things you should avoid when you go a on a first date, or even a second or a third – but these tips are designed with light heartedness in mind. If you need help managing your dating life,relationship counseling in Orange County may be able to help you today.

So you may think that going on a date is an easy, fun-filled thing, and most of the time, this assumption is completely true – except when it’s not. There is a finesse to dating, and when that delicate balance is upset, everything can just go down from there and someone you may have compatible with twenty minutes ago no longer thinks you’re a potential for them. This doesn’t have to happen if you’re aware of the things that could ruin a date in ten seconds flat.

Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, try new things, wear whatever you want (and smell whatever you want). But a little awareness goes a long way.

Please don’t try all of the new things. There are some things we do every day that are just “part of us,” from grooming habits all the way to the way we walk or the kind of shoes we wear. We even have established routines for the things we do when we go out with friends or dress up to look nice when we go to a special event. Changing these routines too much may prove to be disastrous – because what happens if one of those new things doesn’t exactly work, and you wind up with shoes that make you fall every few steps or nails that look like a cat painted them?

A new scent, or a new eyeliner may look fabulous, but if it doesn’t, it’s easy to fix. Make sure if you do choose to try new things, you try them on a limited basis. You’re perfect without the newness.

Don’t lie about who you are. Dropping lies to make yourself look good is incredibly counterproductive to finding someone who will love you and like you for what you are. Just because you haven’t visited the moon or met Sean Connery doesn’t mean you aren’t an interesting, fabulous person. If you think you’re not exciting enough, think about the most interesting thing you’ve ever done. Maybe you’ve fallen off a horse and survived it, or you’ve found a passion for designing furniture. It may not seem incredibly interesting to you, but to someone who isn’t you and has never experienced what you have. Best of all, it’s completely honest, so you don’t have to invent lies later on in the relationship (if it gets that far – you never know) to cover up the ones you initially told.

The benefit that is less regularly considered is the one that you get when you find out that your date does something you were going to lie about, and would have known nothing about if you had actually said it.

Don’t curse up a storm. Even if your potential mate has a dirty mouth, you most certainly shouldn’t. You want to be the best and look your best on a date and show off the intelligence that you have, not make yourself look like you are uneducated or uncivilized, and cursing reflects that. Even substituting words for less vulgar versions isn’t the greatest choice – the encourage actual conversation, speak with your manners, and think before you talk so you can filter exactly what you say.

Drinking is okay, but don’t overdo it. We all handle stress differently, which means, ultimately, that some of us choose to drown our anxiety away. While one or two drinks is completely appropriate, especially if your date is offering to pay, going overboard can be a complete mistake. Not only does drinking impair your judgment, it can also take away from your otherwise shining personality – most people say many inappropriate things when they’re drunk, even when they would never say them otherwise. You should be in your best form so you can truly get to know your date.

And finally, have fun! Be yourself, and if you don’t jive with your date, don’t worry about it – have fun anyway. Just because someone doesn’t romantically click with you doesn’t mean that they can’t click with you on a friendly basis, and often the worst dates make the best friends, so be yourself, have fun, and remember that you’re not just there to find a romance – you’re there to form a relationship, and practice getting better and more comfortable on dates.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

This guide is designed as a list if most common reasons a man may not want to commit to a woman – but if you need help sorting this kind of thing for yourself, Orange County counseling may be beneficial to you.

Your man keeps telling you he needs more time, and you can’t figure out why. He spends time with you, loves your kids, enjoys walking your dogs on Sundays after breakfast. So, what gives? You want to have a relationship and make it an official before some other woman steps into the picture that might snatch him up, but he doesn’t seem to want to call you his significant other no matter how much you talk, hint, or push him in the ‘right direction’.

You and your girlfriends may honestly come to the conclusion that he’s afraid to commit, and you just need to give him a good shove towards yourself to get him to break through his fear and anxiety. This shove may be asking him to move in with you or asking him to stop seeing other people, and much of the time, you only see him distance himself a little more – reinforcing your thought that he’s just terrified to commit to a relationship.

Sometimes, yes, this is the case and he was burned before and he has some emotional baggage he still needs to deal with, but more often than not it doesn’t have anything to do with how much he wants to commit and he’s usually not “afraid” to be in a relationship with you. Considering the other options before pushing a guy you like into something he doesn’t want is important, even if those options aren’t always as appealing as just a little bit of fear.

Loss of power. This isn’t a fear, per se, and usually stems from a man’s desire to be in charge. Many women because of extenuating circumstances or their backgrounds are powerful, independent, and strong-headed. Often, they have had to support themselves without a man for a number of years, and aren’t necessarily the type to allow a man into their lives without him taking a position next to her, which means everything a man does will have to be bounced off his wife.

That can be an incredibly intimidating thing, and often men have a lot of trouble committing to this kind of boundary. There is, however, a right way to do it, so it’s up to you and your potential relationship partner to figure out those details.

Sometimes, they are still feeling you out. This could include getting to know you and your habits and everything else that makes up your life, and they are simply being cautious. It doesn’t mean they’re afraid of commitment, but they want to make sure when they make one, they’re making the right one. A lot of the time, a little patience goes a long way in this case, especially if it’s early on in your relationship.

Applying too much pressure. Sometimes it’s not so much the commitment part that a man will have a problem with, and it’s what you’re saying and doing that they don’t like. Often, when women feel like they really want to keep a guy around, they’ll apply a certain type of pressure to commit. This kind of thing can include talking about it too much, hinting at it too much, asking them to do things they wouldn’t be responsible for if they weren’t in a relationship, and a plethora of other little things that can make a man feel pressured to make a decision. Take a step back and give him some space; the pressure alone can cause him to make a decision you may not want him to make.

And finally, maybe you’re Mrs. Right Now instead of Mrs. Right. This is probably the hardest thing to admit to yourself, and for him to admit to himself, especially if you have been in limbo for more than a few months. Maybe he views you as someone amazing he wants in his life, so he doesn’t want to ruin what you have, but at the same time he’s realized this is just not the romantic relationship for him.

Remember that if this is the case, it doesn’t necessarily reflect upon you or who you are; sometimes the extra special want or need for someone isn’t a two-way street. Don’t let this kind of thing discourage you from looking for the next romance that will work for you even better than this one.

A lot of the time, a guy will make a commitment slowly – they’ll come over and help you out with your yard, or they’ll take your kids out to a movie. It won’t just suddenly be a committed relationship, and often, a slow, well-paced relationship will last longer than one that was just thrown into the ring without any preparation other than the initial spark. Above all, communication is key, and if you need help with this, you can always participate in marriage counseling. Ask your partner what they expect from this relationship; you may be completely surprised by the answer you receive.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional.  If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch.  You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us

If you keep making the same mistakes over and over again when in relationships with a man, Orange County counseling may help you figure out how to treat yourself better so you can hook a quality relationship.

Sleeping with a man isn’t always the event of the century, but very few women ever master the technique of ‘casual sex’. In fact, most women expect to feel nothing after the fact, but that’s simply not the case most of the time – especially if they like the man they slept with and see some potential relationship material when they stare at him in the morning before he wakes up.

The sad but honest truth is that even though a man is into you sexually, it doesn’t automatically mean he’s into you in any other way. Women often expect more once they devote themselves intimately – whether they consciously think so or not – and sometimes, men don’t get more interested but less, and start to “cool off” and act distant when all the woman wants is an even deeper connection.

A situation happening this way is pretty common, and usually it doesn’t make any lady feel good about herself and her decision to sleep with a man. So to avoid such self-esteem crushing feelings, it’s important to be aware of exactly what you should know before you take a handsome hunk to bed.

Intimate connection isn’t always the beginning of a relationship. It’s hard to separate all the feelings out when you feel sparks fly, especially when you haven’t had that kind of connection in awhile. And just because you both feel that way about one another doesn’t mean that you both interpret that feeling in the same way, since men and women are different in the way they view relationships much of the time. Even when a man spends time with you and seeks you out via phone and text and makes out with you in the broom closet doesn’t mean he necessarily wants a relationship with you.

If your new man is sending you mixed messages, sometimes it’s best to just ask what he expects out of the relationship before it gets too deep on your end. You may not like the answer, but it’s better to know now rather than later when you’ve already fallen head over heels and he’s still skirting around the edges of what could be a relationship.

Sex will never help a man “see your worth”. Sex is fun, and it can bring out the best sensuality and romance in people, but it will never be the same as a man’s respect. The desire to have sex in its very basic form will usually stem from a very pure attraction to another person. It may be pheromones, or maybe your new guy likes blondes, but physical desire and attraction doesn’t usually mean anything more than just that. It doesn’t mean that the guy likes your personality, and it definitely doesn’t help them understand what a wonderful person you are, or what you’re like outside the bedroom.

This may seem a little over the top for you, but asking yourself “does this man value me for the strong, interesting, amazing woman that I am?” before you sleep with a man may determine if sleeping with him will put you on unequal terms and understandings of what’s going on.

Men don’t fall in love with you because you’re good in the bedroom. Women, when they feel an intense physical emotional connection with a man, usually have at least a hint of emotional connection with him once the night is over. With time, this connection can get stronger and more intimate, making it even more challenging to deal with the aloofness of the man you slept with who obviously doesn’t feel the same way. Sleeping with a guy doesn’t mean he’s going to become more connected with you in any way other than sexually. A man’s love will usually come over time as he realizes you’re something special and he wants to keep it in his life. Sometimes this happens off the bat, but it’s rare at best. Long term love usually takes long term commitment and patience, and that’s exactly what you should expect.

Don’t sleep with a man unless you’re absolutely sure you are both on the same level. Know yourself – and know that you probably will feel closer and more interested in your man after you have sex with him, and he may not feel the same way and usually won’t for a long while. Sleep with him when you’re both ready to commit to trying something out and you’ve talked about it, and the right man will wait until you’ve worked everything out in your own head before involving him – if he leaves, then he just wasn’t right for what you need.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch.  You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us

These tips are designed to build and grow a marriage or relationship – when it’s failing and you can’t seem to control it, Orange County marriage counseling may be a healthy option for you.

We all know that sometimes our significant others sometimes lack in the love expression department, and even though we know they love us, hearing it or seeing it more often may encourage us to face life feeling more courageous and united. Not everyone excels at expressing their feelings, however, and some can use a helping hand with a few tips and tricks to saying ‘I love you’ without a single word – making our significant others feel loved and appreciated can never be a bad thing.

1. Laughing is key. Even when there aren’t particularly sad times to worry about, laughing truly builds a strong relationship between a pair of people. Even just a silly laugh over something your new kitten did or over an internet graphic can relieve tension or ill feelings, even if those feelings are not targeted at each other. Spur of the moment tickle fights and maybe even the occasional pillow fight can bring smiles all around, and a good laugh can have lasting effects many hours after the smile has faded.

2. Do something together. In today’s busy world where two people in a relationship often have to work independent jobs to support the household, spending the hours you can spend together is more important than ever. Even an hour playing a card game together or eating some ice cream at the dinner table and talking about life, love, and worries can bring a pair of people closer together. Another idea is setting time aside specifically to do something together that’s enriching and fun, like a walk on the beach or a nice brunch at a sidewalk café. Make sure when you do spend time together that the phones are off, Facebook isn’t a distraction, and all notebooks and laptops are tucked safely away in some other place – nothing can kill a wonderful evening more than an inattentive partner.

3. Connect even when you can’t see one another. Even when you aren’t in earshot or arm’s reach, dropping by a little love note in some form can always brighten your SO’s day. Even just a text saying “hello, hope your day is great!” can find a warm and cuddly place next to another person’s heart, and you didn’t even have to be very good with words. If you and  your partner work opposite shifts, leaving a sticky note on the front door with a big smiley face can be a great way to leave your presence somewhere without actually being there – and after a tough day at the office, every little thing counts.

4. Get crafty. Even if you’re not a great crafter, there are some excellent and easy projects that can be done in a jiffy to express your affections. Even just hand making your own card with markers like you did in first grade on mother’s day is a great place to start, and the use of craft papers meant for scrapbooking can add original and beautiful flare to just about anything.

5. Touch physically. This may seem like such a small thing, but often it goes unnoticed far too long. Hugs, kisses, and gentle strokes all say ‘hello, I love you!’ without a single word. If you want to take it up a level, you can always give a massage to your loved one. Anyone can do a gentle one with their hands, and if your partner spends a long day on his or her feet, a foot massage can convey compassion and love without having to think up anything special and romantic to say.

No matter which way you choose to express your love, know that your partner is trying, too – it may not always seem like they express it in the same way, and they probably don’t, but love comes in many different languages, as you learn in Orange County marriage counseling. Even if they didn’t leave the note, maybe they kissed you on the cheek to say goodbye – or maybe they dropped you a short text in the middle of their impossibly busy day. Through it all, appreciating one another can come in many different forms – most of which are happy, healthy, wonderful ways to just say ‘I love you’.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional.  If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch.  You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

“There are a number of fallacies associated with female sex addiction-including that females simply cannot be sex addicts-that they are more likely to be “relationship” or “love addicts.” The reality, however, is that female sex addicts do exist-and may exist in far greater numbers than we’re aware of.” -Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT, author and Founding Director of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles

Since the beginning of time, sex has given women power in relationships. They may use it as a bargaining chip with men; it may be used overtly or covertly, but many men will admit to being willing to do almost anything for sex or for a woman willing to give them sex. Women are not usually portrayed in this manner. The common stereotype is of a long-suffering, grudgingly-submitting-to-sex, manipulative wife. In truth, this changed to a more realistic picture when the sexual revolution collided with the women’s movement.

Meanwhile, a double standard involving sexuality has existed concurrently and still persists. Men are expected to be sexually active and the reverse is not true for women. Women are supposed to accept men’s use of pornography and openness towards sex, but if they are found to participate in similar behaviors, they are thought of as abominations.

Sex addiction was brought to the forefront after Tiger Woods’ troubles came to light. It has long been assumed that females are “love addicts,” as opposed to “sex addicts” (see above quote). In truth, female sex addicts do exist.

Sex addiction is defined in Wikipedia as “a psychological condition in which an individual has a severe struggle in managing his or her sexual behavior.” Other terms in current use are “sexual dependency” or “sexual compulsivity.”

Although the true origins of anyone’s sex addiction will never be known, any of these, or a combination of more than one, is thought to play a part:

• Abuse-sexual, emotional, or physical
• Some other form of early trauma
• Exposure to sexual situations (behaviors or materials) at too young an age
• Additional, family-oriented factors

As reported by SexHelp.com, surveys have shown that many sex addicts grow up in dysfunctional families. Often, a family member has another type of addiction (87%).They also claim that research has demonstrated an association between sexual addiction in adulthood and childhood abuse. Sex addicts report experiencing emotional abuse (97%), sexual abuse (83%) and physical abuse (71%).

Traditionally, addiction problems for women include food, shopping and spending money. Sex probably wouldn’t even make the top 10 list. However, women make up about 10% of people seeking help for sex addiction and that is likely just the tip of the iceberg since these are the women seeking help!

In the United States, women have historically been discouraged from being sexually aggressive. Consequently females admitting to sex addiction are rare. More frequently, women are called “nymphomaniacs” or “whores”. These are not terms that women want to be identified with and so they do not get treatment. Additionally, women don’t obtain treatment for sex addiction due to societal mores. Our puritanical American culture, despite a veneer of acceptance, believes casual sex is a sin. Today, it’s OK if women talk about sex as long as it’s within the framework of one’s (proper) relationship. To admit to just wanting sex is inappropriate and forbidden; uninhibited sexual activity outside of or even within marriage is discouraged by society at large.

Help does exist; a twelve step program for sex addicts, “Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous”, encourages women to join and may have meetings for women only. After joining a support group and seeking professional help, women who have a sex/love addiction need to set small recovery goals and celebrate each step that moves them forward into their recovery. They need to realize that treatment will be a difficult, ongoing process, but the freedom from sexual addiction will give their lives more meaning and more possibilities.

Nancy Travers is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She specializes in all types of relationships; We all want them, We all need them; How to get em and Keep them. Nancy’s office is located at 2212 Dupont Dr., Suite I, Irvine, Ca. 92612.

For more information or to make an appointment, call 949-510- 9423 or contact us.
copyright a division of Counseling Corner, Inc.
As seen in The Blade magazine June 2005.

Sex in a committed relationship can be affected by the partners’ ages, experience, culture and religious or moral beliefs, among other factors. It is your and your partner’s responsibility to preserve the enthusiasm and ardor of the sex you once enjoyed. This takes imagination, creativity, and romance. Some effort is required in order to obtain and maintain a good sex life.

Honesty is critical in building a relationship, with or without sex. And as you might guess, the sexual relationship requires honesty to develop true intimacy. Sharing your fears and insecurities with your partner, as well as your likes and dislikes in the bedroom, can lead to deep and fulfilling intimacy for a lifetime. Sexual intimacy helps keep the relationship alive and it’s a way of fully and completely expressing your love for each other.

Honest, open communication between partners takes time and practice. Eventually, you will both become accustomed to sharing your true feelings, which will lead to a fuller, more satisfying experience for both of you. More important than your body being ready, your brain must be “in the mood.” Worrying about life outside of the bedroom, along with alcohol or drug use is among the most detrimental factors to a good sex life. Life’s daily grind, including work, children, and/or money issues, tests a couple’s ability to keep the spark that originally brought them together. Any of the following tips (or all of them) can help rekindle the flame in a relationship.

10 Tips for a Better Sex Life

1. Create anticipation-don’t just go through the motions.
2. Employ mutual massage-with or without intercourse.
3. Stimulate all the senses-music, candles, perfume, and erotic foods.
4. Lower your voice and whisper.
5. Masturbate-alone or with your partner.
6. Buy (and use) adult toys.
7. Do some reading-books range from instructional to erotica; read to each other.
8. Discuss (and enact) fantasies.
9. Maintain personal hygiene.
10. Loosen up.

A 2007 UK study proved that sex influences happiness more strongly than money. After having sex, endorphins are released leading to increased pleasurable feelings and decreased stress. In addition, happy people are often more sexually active. Thus, a chicken vs. egg scenario develops, to the benefit of all involved. In fact, other similar situations exist related to sex. Stress and fatigue are just two examples. Both may be the result of too little sex and may be alleviated by a good sex life. General conclusions indicate that couples with a satisfying sex life are healthier than those without it.

But if you need more reasons for a good, regular sex life, here are the top health benefits of what sex can do for you:

Top Health Benefits Thanks to Sex

1. Improved heart rate, breathing and circulation
2. Fewer allergies, colds, and depression
3. Reduced stress
4. Chance at a longer life
5. Improved complexion
6. You burn more calories
7. You build more muscles
8. You relieve pain
9. You obtain better oral health
10. Enhanced sleep quality

A healthy and healthful sex life requires time and attention. In today’s busy world we are often too tired or apathetic to actively maintain our relationships. Something’s gotta give. Sex is often the easiest place to start. But first, remember: love may be ongoing, but passion needs periodic refreshing. Comfortable is not necessarily sexy. Couples should work on spending more romantic time together and scheduling time for sex into their busy lives; it doesn’t always have to be spontaneous.

Introduce “date night”; don’t wait for bedtime or the weekend; get away for a getaway or plan a couple-only staycation; take advantage of sleepovers and other in-home (theirs) babysitting offers; call in sick to work together or schedule a joint day off. Make a healthy and active sex life a priority and drop less significant things. You’ll both be happier and healthier as a result.

Those who suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) profoundly affect their loved ones. One minute everything is fine and the next you feel as if you are walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing how your loved one will react to a situation or to you; will it be with love ? or anger? You feel helpless and unable to cope. You are not alone. It is thought that more than six million people in the U.S. have a Borderline Personality Disorder, and that these people greatly affect the lives of at least 30 million others.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

BPD is a serious and often life-threatening disorder that is characterized by severe emotional pain and difficulties managing emotions. The problems associated with BPD include impulsivity (including an impulse to suicide and self-harm), severe negative emotion such as anger and/or shame, chaotic relationships, an extreme fear of abandonment, and accompanying difficulties maintaining a stable and accepting sense of self.

How to cope when your loved one suffers from BPD

The best way to cope is to try to understand what BPD is and how it affects the sufferer. It is always easy to be scared of the unknown, so learn as much as you can about BPD, its symptoms and what a sufferer of BPD goes through. Most importantly, understand that when they lash out at you it’s not personal.

Of course, even when you think you understand BPD, you will still have to learn how to cope with your own feelings of betrayal, hurt and guilt created by your loved one’s attitude towards you and that some people will believe their hurtful comments about you. Sadly, those suffering from BPD have short memories as far as ?good things? happening to them, but they always remember the bad stuff and your perceived involvement in that. It is hard to deal with the feeling that you are only as good as the last thing you did for them.

Help them to get treatment

If you have enough influence and control in the sufferer’s life, then you need to help them to make the decision to seek treatment. It is imperative that they take responsibility for their BPD and be made to understand that there is qualified help out there, that things can be better, that they CAN get control of their life. This is very hard to do and therefore the most difficult element to cope with, because the very nature of the disorder holds the sufferer back from seeking help. It engenders negative feelings in the sufferer towards themselves and those trying to help them, creates low self-esteem meaning the sufferer doesn’t feel ?worthy’ of help, and gives them a black and white view of the world, meaning that they might dismiss the doctor as ?no good’ at a second appointment having been very happy with them at the first.

What if I can’t convince them to get treatment?

There are many support groups out there, not just for BPD sufferers but also for those who live with, or who are close to, a BPD sufferer. Sometimes just sharing the burden helps. Communication is key in any situation but it is particularly important here. Communication with the BPD sufferer and with those around you to make them understand what you are going through; all this is paramount to help you cope with the stress of loving someone suffering from BPD.

Nancy Travers is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She specializes in all types of relationships; We all want them, We all need them; How to get em and Keep them. Nancy’s office is located at 2212 Dupont Dr., Suite I, Irvine, Ca. 92612.

For more information or to make an appointment, call 949-510- 9423 or contact us.
copyright a division of Counseling Corner, Inc.
As seen in The Blade magazine June 2005.